
Class __^]Pv feO\l > 
Book .H<\^X5 -^ 
Copyright!^" \^0L. 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



BABY'S BAEDEKER 



BABY'S BAEDEKER 

An International Guide- 
book for the Young of All 

Ages. Peculiarly Adapted to the 
Wants of \st ^ md Childhood 



By Col. D. STREAMER 

Author of Ruthless Rhymes Jor Heartless Homes 



CLJD 



New York 

R. H. RUSSELL, Publisher 

1902 



Copyright 1902 by 

Robert Howard Russell 

Printed in October y 1902 



THE tIBKARY Of 
CONGKESS» 

wnv, 5jj fpf^^ 

COPVnwWT EWTBV 

CLASH c^ yxc Wo. 
corr B. 



1^ 0^ 



^5- 

or- 



Alphabetical Table of 
Contents 



r 



Britain, Great -< 



Page 

Dedication 3 

Proclamation 5 

Invitation 7 

America, United States of 9 

England t 2 

Scotland 14 

Ireland 1 6 

Wales 18 

China 1 9 

France 2 2 

Germany 24 

Holland 26 

Iceland 29 

Italy 30 

Japan 33 

Portugal 3 5 

Russia 3 6 

Spain 38 



Page 

Switzerland 4 1 

Turkey 43 

Dreamland 46 

Stageland 48 

Loverland 49 

Finale 5 3 



[^] 



Dedication 



(To Lady Lytton) 



THESE verses, written in the West, — 
(That land of Progress and Unrest,) 
Are offered, from the sun-scorched 
South, 
(This land of Bloodshed and of Drouth,) 
To You in England, o'er the sea, — 
(Land where my thoughts must ever be.) 

Accept them, if You will; and smile. 
In yonder Northern Spring-kissed Isle, 
Recalling days your presence blessed, 
One sunlit Winter in the West; 
Then, gazing far across the sea. 
Think kindly of the South — and me! 

South Africa, 

April 'T^rdy 1902. 

[3] 



Proclamation 



(^By Way of Preface) 



O LISTEN to the invitation 
Which 't is my firm determination 
To issue to the population 
Of this and ev'ry other nation! 
Come, boys and girls of ev'ry station, 
Creed, colour, rank, denomination; 
OiFspring of prince or poor relation, 
I claim your kind consideration! 

My temporary occupation 
Is to advance your education, 
And, with my strong imagination. 
Increase your stock of information. 
I disregard vituperation. 
Insinuation, execration. 
Aspersions, even accusation 
Of madness or intoxication ! 

[5] 



My conduct needs no explanation ; 
I ask no human approbation, 
Nor any bubble reputation ; 
Nor do I seek remuneration, — 
But only, from a grateful nation, 
A hero's burial — or cremation ! 
(Will friends accept their invitation 
From this, the only, intimation?) 




[M 



Invitation 



MY children, will you come with 
me,— 
(In one more page my journey 
starts) , — 
To speed across the sunlit sea 

And bravely visit foreign parts? 
New scenes we'll meet at ev'ry turn, 
And lots of lessons we may learn. 

You won't require to pack your box 
With anything that tourists take, 

With toothbrushes or pairs of socks. 

With guidebooks or with hunks of cake; 

For we abroad intend to roam 

Without so much as leaving home. 

Come, little ones, take heart; be bold, 
And follow me to distant lands ; 

And, if you wish it, I will hold 

Your damp and somewhat sticky hands. 

[7] 



Leap lightly up upon my lap, 

And don't forget to bring your map. 

Pray recollect, when worried by 

The wondrous things I have to tell, 

'T is information I supply, 

I cannot give you brains as well; 

(For such 't were surely vain to look 

In any reader of this book). 

And if, upon this foreign tour, 
Some country's mention I omit, 

'T is that my memory is poor, 
Or else I am reserving it; 

My future would be dull without 

Some subjects still to write about. 

Now, children, put your toys away; 

You will Uv-t find the journey long. 
Stop sucking peppermint, I pray, 

While visiting the continong! 
Climb carefully upon my knee 
And you shall tour the world with me! 

[8] 



United States of America 



THIS is the Country of the Free, 
The Cocktail and the Ten Cent 
Chew; 
Where you 're as good a man as me, 
And I 'm a better man than you ! 
(O Liberty, how free we make ! 
Freedom, what liberties we take !) 

'T is here the startled tourist meets, 
'Mid clanging of a thousand bells. 

The railways running through the streets, 
Skyscraping flats and vast hotels. 

Where rest, on the resplendent floors. 

The necessary cuspidors. 

o 
And here you may encounter too 

The pauper immigrants in shoals. 

The Swede, the German, and the Jew, 

The Irishman, who rules the polls 

[9] 



And is employed to keep the peace, 
A venal and corrupt police. 

They are so busy here, you know. 
They have no time at all for play ; 

Each morning to their v^ork they go 
And stay there all the livelong day ; 

Their dreams of happiness depend 

On making more than they can spend. 

If you are visiting New York, 

Don't fail to see a Bow'ry "joint," 

Or, if Chicago, pack some pork. 

And try the hazing at West Point; 

But if in need of rest you are 

Just stay a week at Pittsburg (Pa.). 

The ladies of this land are all 
Developed to a pitch sublime. 

Some inches over six foot tall. 

With perfect figures all the time, 
[.o] 




(For further notice of their looks 
See Mr. Dana Gibson's books). 

And, if they happen to possess 
Sufficient balance at the bank, 

They have the chance of saying " Yes ! " 
To needy foreigners of rank ; 

The future dukes of all the earth 

Are half American by birth. 

MORAL 
A " dot " combining cash with charms 
Is worth a thousand coats-of-arms. 



["] 



Great Britain 



THE British are a chilly race. 
The Englishman is thin and tall; 
He screws an eyeglass in his face 
And talks with a reluctant drawl. 
<* Good Gwacious ! This is doosid slow ! 
By Jove! Haw demmy! Don't-cher- 
know! " 

The Englishwoman ev'ry where 

A meed of admiration wins; 
She has a crown of silken hair 

And quite the loveliest of skins. 
(Go forth and seek an English maid, 

Your trouble will be well repaid). 

Where Britain's banner is unfurled 

There's room for nothing else beside, 

She owns one quarter of the world, 
And still she is not satisfied. 

[12] 



The Briton thinks himself, by birth, 
To be the lord of all the earth. 



And he is usually born 

With a desire to be alone ; 

He looks in pity mixt with scorn 
On any country but his own ; 

And deems the foreigner to be 

An object for his sympathy. 

Some call his manners wanting, or 
His sense of humour poor, and yet 

Whatever he is striving for 

He as a rule contrives to get ; 

His methods may be much to blame. 

But he arrives there just the same. 

MORAL 
If you can get your wish, you bet it 
Doesn't much matter how you get it ! 

['3] 



Scotland 



IN Scotland all the people wear 
Red hair and freckles, and one sees 
The men in women's dresses there, 
With stout, decollete, low-necked knees. 
("Eblins ye dinna ken, I doot, 
We're unco guid, so hoot mon, hoot!") 

They love "ta whuskey" and "ta Kirk." 
I don't know which they like the most; 

They are n't the least afraid of work; 
No sense of humour can they boast; 

And you require an axe to coax 

The canny Scot to see your jokes. 

They play an instrument they call 

The bagpipes, and the sound of these 

Is reminiscent of the squall 

Of infant pigs attacked by bees ; 

Music that might drive cats away 

Or make reluctant chickens lay. 



MORAL 
Wear kilts, and, tho' men look askance. 
Go out and give your knees a chance. 




[■s] 



Ireland 

THE Irishman is never quite 
Contented with his little lot; 
He 's ever thirsting for a fight, 
A grievance he has always got; 
And all his energy is bent 
On trying not to pay his rent. 

He lives upon a frugal fare, 
The few potatoes that he digs. 
And hospitably loves to share 

His bedroom with his wife and pigs. 
But cannot settle even here 
And gets evicted once a year. 

In order to amuse himself 

At any time when things are slack. 
He takes his gun down from the shelf 

And shoots a landlord in the back; 
If he is lucky in the chase 
He may contrive to bag a brace. 

[i6] 



MORAL 
Procure a grievance and a gun 
And you can have no end of fun. 



[17] 



Wales 



THE natives of the land of Wales 
Are not a very truthful lot, 
And the imagination fails 
To paint the language they have got ; 
Bettws-y-coed-llan-dud-nod- 
Dolgelly-rhiwlas-cwm-wm-dod ! 



MORAL 
If you must talk, then do it, pray, 
In an intelligible way. 



[ 




China 

THE Chinaman from early youth 
Is by his wise preceptors taught 
To have no dealings with the Truth; 
In fact, romancing is his "forte." 
In juggling words he takes the prize 
By the sheer beauty of his lies. 

But when he leaves his home to go 
In search of wealth to western climes, 

The little boys annoy him so. 
He has the very worst of times. 

They call him ev'ry sort of name 

And pull his pigtail, — what a shame! 

For laundrywork he has a knack; 

He takes in shirts and makes them blue; 
When he omits to send them back 

He takes his customers in too. 
He must be ranked in the "elite" 
Of those whose hobby is deceit. 

['9] 



For ladies 't is the fashion here 

To pinch their feet and make them 
small, 

Which, to the civilized idea. 
Is not a proper thing at all. 

Our modern western woman's taste 

In pinching leans towards the waist. 

The Chinese Empire is the field 
Where foreign missionaries go; 

A poor result their labours yield, 
And they have little fruit to show; 

For, if you would convert Wun Lung, 

You have to catch him very young. 

The Chinaman has got a creed 

And a religion of his own, 
And would be much obliged indeed 

If you would leave his soul alone; 
And he prefers, which may seem odd, 
His own to other people's god. 

[20] 



Yet still the missionary tries 

To point him out his wickedness, 

Until the badgered natives rise,^ 
And there 's one missionary less! 

Then foreign Pow'rs step in, you see. 

And ask for an indemnity. 

MORAL 

Adhere to facts, avoid romance. 
And you a clergyman may be; 

To lie is wrong, except perchance 
In matters of Diplomacy. 

And, when you start out to convert. 

Make certain that you don't get hurt! 



[21] 



France 

THE natives here remark <<Mon 
Dieu!" 
" Que voulez-vous ? " " Comment 
9a va?" 
"Sapristi! Par exemple! Un peu!'* 

"Tiens done! Mais qu'est-ce que c'est 
que ca?" 
They shave one portion of their dogs 
And live exclusively on frogs. 

They get excited good and quick, 
And crowds w^ill gather before long, 

If you should stand and wave your stick 
And shout "a has le Presidong! " 

Still more amusing would it be 

To say "Conspuez la Patrie!" 

The French are so polite, you know, 
They take their hats off very well, 

[22] 



And, should they tread upon your toe, 

Remark "Pardon, Mademoiselle!" 
And you would gladly bear the pain 
To see them make that bow again. 

Their ladies too have got a way 
Which even curates can't resist; 

'T would make an Alderman feel gay 
Or soothe a yellow journalist; 

And then the things they say are so 

Extremely — well, in fact, — you know! 

MORAL 
The closest scrutiny can find 
No morals here of any kind. 



[23] 



Germany 



THE German is a stolid soul, 
And finds best suited to his taste 
A pipe with an enormous bowl, 
A fraulein with an ample waist; 
He loves his beer, his Kaiser, and 
(Donner und blitz!) his Fatherland! 

He 's perfectly contented if 

He listens in the op'ra house 
To Wagner's well-concealed "motif," 

Or waltzes of the nimble Strauss; 
And all discordant bands he sends 
Abroad, to soothe his foreign friends. 

When he is glad at anything 

He cheers like a dyspeptic goat, 

"Hoch! hoch!" You 'd think him suffering 
From some affection of the throat. 

A disagreeable noise, 't is true. 

But pleases him and don't hurt you! 

[24] 



MORAL 

A glass of lager underneath the bough, 

A long "churchwarden" and an ample 

"frau" 

Beside me sitting in a Beergarden, 

Ach! Beergarden were paradise enow! 



[^5] 



Holland 



THIS country is extremely flat, 
Just like your "poppa's" head, 
and were 
It not for dykes and things like that 

There would not be much country there. 
For, if these banks should broken be. 
What now is land would soon be sea. 



So, any child who glory seeks. 
And in a dyke observes a hole, 

Must hold his finger there for weeks 
And keep the water from its goal. 

Until the local plumbers come, 

Or other persons who can plumb. 



The Hollanders have somehow got 
The name of Dutch (why, goodness 
knows!); 

[26] 



But Mrs. Hollander is not 

A "duchess" as you might suppose; 
Mynheer Von Vanderpump is much 
More used to style her his "Old Dutch." 

Their cities' names are somewhat odd, 
But much in vogue with golfing men 

Who miss a "put" or slice a sod, 

(Whose thoughts I would not dare to 
pen); 

"Oh, Rotterdam!" they can exclaim, 

And blamelessly resume the game. 

The Dutchman's dress is very neat; 

He minds his little flock of goats 
In cotton blouse, and on his feet 

He dons a pair of wooden boats. 
(He evidently does not trust 
Those dykes I mentioned not to bust). 

He has the reputation too 

Of being what is known as "slim," 

[^7] 



which merely means he does to you 

What you had hoped to do to him; 
He has a business head, that's all, 
And takes some beating, does Oom Paul. 

MORAL 
Avoid a country where the sea 
May any day drop in to tea, 
Rememb'ring that, at golf, one touch 
Of bunker makes the whole world Dutch ! 




Iceland 

THE climate is intensely cold, 
Wild curates would not drag 
me there ; 
Not tho' they brought great bags of gold 
And piled them underneath my chair. 
If twenty bishops bade me go 
I should decidedly say "No!" 

MORAL 
If ev'ry man has got his price, 

As generally is agreed. 
You will, by taking my advice. 

Let yours be very large indeed. 
Corruption is not nice at all, 
Unless the bribe be far from small. 



[^9] 




IN Italy the sky is blue; 
The native loafs and lolls about, 
He's nothing in the world to do, 
And does it fairly well, no doubt; 
(Ital-i-ans are disinclined 
To honest work of any kind). 

A light Chianti wine he drinks. 
And fancies it extremely good. 

(It tastes like Stephens' Blue-black 
Inks) — 
While macaroni is his food ; 

(I think it must be rather hard 

To eat one's breakfast by the yard). 

And, when he leaves his country for 
Some northern climate, 't is his dream 

To be an organ grinder, or 
Retail bacilli in ice-cream. 

[3°] 



(The French or German student terms 
These creatures "P^r/Vites" or "Germs.") 

Sometimes an anarchist is he 

And wants to slay a king or queen, 

So with some dynamite, may be, 
Concocts a murderous machine; 

"Here goes!" he shouts, "For Freedom's 
sake! " 

Then blows himself up by mistake. 

In Venice, where the streets are wet. 

You hire a boat to go about, 
A wise precaution, for you get 

Your stockings very damp without ; 
(Which might produce some fell disease 
Like "Housemaid's Throat" or "Smoker's 

Knees"). 

Naples and Florence both repay 
A visit, and, if fortune takes 

[31] 



Your toddling little feet that way, 

Do stop a moment at The Lakes. 
While, should you go to Rome, I hope 
You'll leave your card upon the Pope. 

MORAL 
Don't work too hard, but use a wise dis- 
cretion; 
Adopt the least laborious profession. 
Don't be an anarchist, but, if you must. 
Don't let your bombshell prematurely bust. 



[32] 




INHABITANTS of far Japan 
Are happy as the day is long, 
To sit behind a paper fan 

And sing a kind of tuneless song; 
Desisting ev'ry little while 
To have a public bath, or smile. 



The members of the fairer sex 
Are clad in a becoming dress, 

One garment reaching from their necks 
Down to the ankles more or less; 

Behind each dainty ear they wear 

A cherry-blossom in their hair. 



If "Imitation 's Flattery" 

(We learn it at our mother's lap), 
A flatterer by birth must be 

Our clever little friend the Jap, 

[33] 



who does whatever we can do, 
And does it rather better too. 

MORAL 
Be happy all the time, and plan 
To wash as often as you can. 



[34] 



Portugal 



You are requested, if you please, 
To note that here a people lives 
Referred to as the Portuguese; 
A fact which naturally gives 
The funny man a good excuse 
To call his friend a Portugoose. 

MORAL 
Avoid the obvious, if you can. 
And never be a funny man. 



[35] 



Russia 

THE Russian Empire, as you see, 
Is governed by an autocrat; 
A sort of human target he 
For anarchists to practise at; 
And much relieved most people are 
Not to be lodging with the Czar. 

The Russian lets his whiskers grow. 
Smokes cigarettes at mealtimes, and 

Imbibes more "vodki" than "il faut"; 
A habit which (I understand) 

Enables him with ease to tell 

His name, which nobody could spell. 

The climate here is cold, with snow, 
And you go driving in a sleigh. 

With bells and all the rest, you know, 
Just like a Henry Irving play; 

While, all around you, glare the eyes 

Of secret officers and spies! 

[36] 



The Russian prisons have no drains, 
No windows or such things as that; 

You have no playthings there but chains, 
And no companion but a ratj 

When once behind the dungeon door 

Your friends don't see you any more. 

I further could enlarge, 't is true. 

But fear my trembling pen confines; 

I have no wish to travel to 
Siberia and work the mines. 

(In Russia you must write with care 

Or the police will take you there.) 

MORAL 
If you hold morbid views about 

A monarch's premature decease. 
You only need a — Hi! Look out! 

Here comes an agent of police! 

■Jf * -x- # -Jf 

(In future my address will be 
"Siberia, Cell 63.") 

[37] 




TIS here the Spanish onion grows, 
And they eat garlic all the day, 
So, if you have a tender nose, 
'T is best to go the other way. 
Or else you may discern at length 
The fact that "Onion is strength." 

The chestnuts flourish in this land 
In quantities, and you will find 

Them good to eat, for understand 
They 're not the after-dinner kind 

That we are best accustomed to 

From Mr. Chauncey M. Depew. 

The Spanish lady, by the bye. 

Is an alluring person who 
Has got a bright and flashing eye. 

And knows just how to use it too; 
It 's quite a treat to see her meet 
The proud hidalgo on the street. 

[38] 



He wears a sort of soft felt hat, 
A dagger, and a cloak, you know, 

Just like the wicked villains that 
We met in plays of long ago. 

Who sneaked about with aspect glum, 

Remarking, "Ha! A time will come!" 

You '11 find that he is jealous too. 
For in his veins runs liquid fire, 

And he can be most rude if you 

Should rob him of his heart's desire; 

"Caramba!" he exclaims, and whack! 

His dagger perforates your back! 

If you should care to patronize 

A bull-fight, as you will no doubt. 

You '11 see a horse with blinded eyes, 
Be very badly mauled about; 

By such a scene a weak inside 

Is sometimes rather sorely tried. 

And, if the bull is full of fun, 
The horse is generally gored, 

[39] 



So then they fetch another one, 

Or else the first one is encored; 
The humour of the sport, of course. 
Is not so patent to the horse. 

MORAL 
Be kind to ev'ry bull you meet, 

Remember how the creature feels; 
Don't wink at ladies in the street; 

And don't make speeches after meals; 
And lastly, I need not explain. 
If you 're a horse, don't go to Spain. 



[40] 



Switzerland 



THIS atmosphere is pure ozone! 
To climb the hills you promptly 
start, 
Unless you happen to be prone 
To palpitations of the heart, 
In which case swarming up the Alps 
Brings on a bad attack of palps. 

The nicest method is to stay 

Quite comfortably down below. 

And, from the steps of your chalet, 
Watch other people upwards go. 

Then you can buy an Alpenstock 

And scratch your name upon a rock. 

MORAL 
Don't do fatiguing things which you 

Can pay another man to do. 
Let friends assume, (they may be wrong,) 

[41] 



That you each year ascend Mong Blong. 
Some things you can pretend you 've done, 
And climbing up the Alps is one. 



[4^] 



Turkey 



THE Sultan of the Purple East 
Is quite a cynic, in his way, 
And really does n't mind the least 
His nickname of "Abdul the — " (Nay! 
I might perhaps come in for blame 
If I divulged this monarch's name). 



The Turk is such a kindly man, 
But his ideas of sport are crude; 

He to the poor Armenian 
Is not intentionally rude. 

But still it is his heartless habit 

To treat him as we treat the rabbit. 



If he wants bracing up a bit 
His pleasing little custom is 

To take a hatchet and commit 
A series of atrocities. 

[43] 



I should not fancy, after dark, 

To meet him, say, in Central Park. 

A deeply married man is he, 
"Early and often" is his rule; 

He practises polygamy 

Directly after leaving school, 

And so arranges that his wives 

Live happy but secluded lives. 

If they attend a public place 
They have to do so in disguise. 

And so conceal one-half their face 
That nothing but a pair of eyes 

Suggests the hidden charm that lurks 

Beneath the veils of lady Turks. 

Then too in Turkey all the men 

Smoke water-pipes and cross their legs; 

They watch their harem as a hen 

That guards her first attempt at eggs. 

[44] 



HAREM. SCAREM 




(If you don't know what harems are 
Just run and ask your dear papa.) 

MORAL 
Wives of great men oft remind us 

We should make our wives sublime, 
But the years advancing find us 

Vainly working over-time. 
We could minimize our work 
By the methods of the Turk. 



[45] 



Dreamland 



HERE you will see strange hap- 
penings 
With absolutely placid eyes; 
If all your uncles sprouted wings 

You would not feel the least surprise; 
The oddest things that you can do 
Don't seem a bit absurd to you. 

You go (in Dreamland) to a ball, 
And suddenly are shocked to find 

That you have nothing on at all, — 
But somehow no one seems to mind; 

And nsLtuTally jyou don't care 

If they can bear what you can bare! 

Then, in a moment, you 're pursued 
By engines on a railway track! 

Your legs are tied, your feet are glued. 
The train comes snorting down your 
back! 

[46] 



One last attempt at flight you make 
And so (in bed) perspiring wake. 

You feel so free from weight of cares 
That, if the staircase you should climb, 

You gaily mount, not single stairs, 
But whole battalions at a time; 

My metaphor is mixed, may be, 

I quote from Shakespeare (William P.Y 



If you should eat too much, you pay 

(In dreams) the penalty for this; 
A nightmare carries you away 





And drops you down a precipice! 
Down! down! until, with sudden smack, 
You strike the mattress with your back. 

MORAL 
At meals decline to be a beast. 
Too much is better than a feast. 



[48] 



Stageland 



THE customs of this land have all 
Been published in a bulky tome. 
The author is a man they call 
^Qvome K. Jerome K, Jerome, 
So, lest on his preserves I poach, 
This subject I refuse to broach. 



MORJL 
The Moral here is plain to see. 

If true the hackneyed witticism 
Which stamps Originality 

As "undetected plagiarism," 
What a vocation I have miss'd 
As undetected plagiarist! 



[+9] 




Loverland 



THIS is the land where minor bards 
And other lunatics repair, 
To live in houses made of cards, 
Or build their castles in the air; 
To feed on hope and idly dream 
That things are really what they seem. 

The natives are a motley lot. 

Of ev'ry age and creed and race. 

But each inhabitant has got 

The same expression on his face; 

They look, when this their features fills. 

Like angels with internal chills. 

The lover sits, the livelong day. 

Quite inarticulate of speech; 
He simply brims with things to say. 

Alas! The words he cannot reach, 
And, silent, lets occasion pass. 
Feeling a fulminating ass. 

[50] 



It is the lady lover's wont 

To blush and look demure or coy, 
To say "You must n't! " and " Oh! Don't! " 

Or "Please leave ofF, you naughty boy! " 
But this, of course, is just her way, 
She would n't wish you to obey. 

The lover, in a trembling voice. 
Demands the hand of his lovee. 

And begs the lady of his choice 
To share some cottage-by-the-sea; 

With her a. prison would be nice, 

A coal-cellar a Paradise! 

"Love in a Cottage" sounds so well; 

But oh, my too impatient bride. 
No drainage and a constant smell 

Of something being over-fried 
Is not the sort of atmosphere 
That makes for wedded bliss, I fear. 

And, when the bills are rather high, 
And when the money 's rather low, 

[SI] 



See poor Virginia sit and sigh, 

And ask why Paul must grumble so! 
He slams the door and strides about, 
And, through the window, Love creeps out. 

'Tis said that Cupid blinds men's sight 
With fire of passion from above, 

Nor ever bids them see aright 

The many faults in those they love. 

Ah no! I deem it otherwise. 

For lovers have the clearest eyes. 

They see the faults, the failures, and 
The great temptations, and they know. 

Although they cannot understand, 

That they would have the loved one so. 

Believe me. Love is never blind. 

But oh! his eyes are wise and kind. 

Tho' lovers quarrel, yet I ween 
'Tis but to make it up again; 

The sunshine seems the more serene 
That follows after April rain; 

[5^] 



And love should lead, if love be true, 
To perfect understanding too. 

If in our hearts this love beat strong, 
We shall not ever seek to earn 

Forgiveness for some fancied wrong, 
Nor need to pardon in return; 

But learn this lesson as we live, 

"To understand is to forgive." 

And all you little girls and boys 

Will find this out yourselves, some day. 

When you have done with childish toys 
And put your infant books away. 

Ah! then I pray that hand-in-hand 

You tread the paths of Loverland. 

MORAL 
Don't fall in love, but, when you do. 
Take care that he (or she) does too; 
And, lastly, to misquote the bard. 
If you must love, don't love too hard. 

[53] 



Finale 

THE tour is over! We must part! 
Our mutual journey at an end. 
O bid farewell, with aching heart, 
To guide, philosopher and friend; 
And note, as you remark "Good-bye!" 
The kindly tear that dims his eye. 

The tour is ended! Sad but true! 

No more together may we roam! 
We turn our lonely footsteps to 

The spot that 's known as Home, Sweet 
Home. 
Nor time nor temper can aiFord 
A more protracted trip abroad. 

O Home! Where we must always be 

So hopelessly misunderstood; 
Where waits a tactless family 

To tells us things "for our own good"; 

[54] 



where relatives, with searchlight eyes, 
Can penetrate our choicest lies. 

Where all our kith and kin combine 
To prove that we are worse than rude. 

If we should criticise the wine 

Or make complaints about the food. 

Thank Goodness, then (to quote the pome), 

Thank Goodness, there 's "no place like 
Home." 

The tour is ended! (Once again 

I make this somewhat trite remark.) 

My lonely heart is full of pain 

And all my world is bare and dark. 

Because, my friends, I watch you go 

Before I 've told you half I know. 

My style, as no one will deny. 
Is one that thoroughly attracts, 

Then, also, I rely on my 
Imagination for my facts; 

[ 55 ] 



And this is (in the Author's trade) 
The way that History is made. 

O gentle maid, O happy boy, 
This copy of my book is done; 

But don't forget that I enjoy 
A royalty on ev'ry one; 

Just think how wealthy I should be 

If you would purchase two or three! 

MORAL 
No moral that I ever took 

Seemed quite so ob-vi-ous before. 
If purchasing an author's book 

Will keep the wolf from his back-door, 
It evidently is our mission 
To buy up the entire edition. 

Finis 



[56] 



NO 



Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: June 2009 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

111 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724)779-2111 




AMER 



- 



